


I would have loved you all my life

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, M/M, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, because sam needs someone too, hes always too busy holding everyone else up, i know he isnt a real living character but hes important, post winter soldier, tagged major character death for Riley, this got sad really fast i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:34:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4608678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is suffering from nightmares that leave him screaming in the middle of the night - Bucky crashing to the snow as he clung helplessly to the side of the train. Bucky wants desperately to help but he doesn't know how - he turns to Sam for assistance and they help one another cope - Sam tells him all about Riley.</p><p>Remember the day<br/>'Cause this is what dreams should always be<br/>I just want to stay<br/>I just want to keep this dream in me</p><p>**warning: suicidal thoughts mentioned**</p>
            </blockquote>





	I would have loved you all my life

It's a stormy Tuesday afternoon when Bucky shows up at Sam's doorstep. The two of them had formed a kindred friendship - Sam was a fellow soldier and something about that made Bucky trust him - it helped that Steve did as well. That was how it had always been - if Bucky put his trust in someone then Steve automatically followed and vice-versa.

Sam rubs his eyes and opens the door to see a drenched Bucky. He'd been attempting to nap but it hadn't been successful.

"You know there's these things called umbrellas that keep the rain off of you," Sam teases as he lets Bucky into his place. It's not big by any means but it's home.

"Too much trouble," Bucky scoffs as he wipes his feet on the mat and sits on the softest couch hes ever felt - nearly sinks down into it.

"What brings you by?"  Sam plops onto a beige chair across from him. He's wearing a white t-shirt with faded sweats and bare feet - a stark contrast to Bucky's solid black jacket, combat boots and black cargo pants with the tiniest slip of a hunter green t-shirt underneath.

Bucky bites his lip and hopes hes not overstepping boundaries.

"Since I've been back Steve keeps flashing back to the train and I try to help but I don't know what to do," he picks at his fingernails nervously - wonders if Sam will be able to fix this for them.

Sam looks concerned as he nods his head for Bucky to continue.

"I can hear him from the other room most nights - he cries in his sleep and calls my name. I've tried waking him up but it only makes it worse and I tried to hug him once and that ended up with a punch to the face - guess he thought I was Hydra."

Sam leans back in his seat and frowns. He had expected as much - for all that Steve had told him about being happy and not to worry about him it had been a cover and not a good one.

"I don't know what he's feeling...I mean I watched him fall from the hellicarrier that time that I....and I brought him to shore but that was different. What...whats it like for the person who's left behind to watch it all go down?," Bucky chews on his bottom lip and looks uncertain - perhaps he shared too much. Steve would possibly get mad at him but something had to give. He couldn't stand by and do nothing - never had been able to.

Sam tenses up and takes a deep breath - he'd only spoken once about losing Riley and even then he hadn't given details. Years of therapy and running from the past had only gotten him to survival mode.

"Well. It's terrifying and it's like watching a horror movie only you can't hit pause and turn it off." 

Bucky frowned and his stomach filled with knots.

"Riley....Riley was my best friend. I knew I could always count on him to follow me anywhere and we'd have each others backs. The morning before it happened he made me promise to not do anything stupid if he were to die. It's almost like he knew. I came close - real close but I couldn't do it. I felt so damn wrong for living and breathing when he would never see another sunrise or bust my chops about flying too high. We all have guilt and regret that we carry with us - some things from the past stubbornly hang on despite all our best efforts to the contrary," Sam hasn't told anyone this - not even the therapists the military had insisted he see.

Bucky stares back at him with sad eyes that say that it hurts to think of Steve feeling like that - contemplating ending his life if even for a minute. But there'd been that jet incident...he'd heard all about it when he'd searched old newspapers and books before he'd came back. It read like a goddamn tragedy - he dies and Steve follows.

Sam looks wistful as he calls back memories of happier days - "When I first met him he had a bloody nose and a black eye - he wasn't one to ever back down from a fight even if it was for a ridiculous reason. That reason being that someone had insulted him - called him a coward. The military wasn't too happy with him - pushed him toward me and said 'Here's your new partner, good luck'. He shook my hand and I just knew he'd be important to me somehow. We spent the next two months flying around with our fancy wings and taking down the enemy - he nearly got me shot down because he was staring at me instead of paying attention but that was Riley. Never let him live that one down," he says with a laugh.

Bucky remembers the first time he met Steve - he was no more than a little beanpole and he'd taken to him right away. From that day forward he'd kicked anyones behind that dared touch him and everyone knew it - they knew not to mess with Steve when Bucky was around. And years later during the war Bucky had been watching Steve through the scope on his gun and narrowly avoided getting him killed - took out a man dressed in solid black from head to toe who had a gun aimed at Steve's head from far off.

"On our last mission together we were supposed to take down hostiles from up in the air - nothing we hadn't done a million times before. One came out of nowhere and knocked Riley's dumb ass right out of the sky. Nothing I could do - it was like I was up there to watch. I left the program after that - couldn't find a reason to keep going. Ended up in the hospital a couple of times doing reckless shit. I couldn't cope...," Sam trails off and clenches his jaw as the images play out in his mind as if it were just yesterday.

"I'm sorry," Bucky says and it feels weak but his chest is heavy and aching for both Sam and Steve - for everything they'd both been through.

Sam shakes his head and looks away - blinks back tears. It wouldn't be the first time he'd cried over Riley nor would it be the last.

"First few years after I had nightmares - still do some nights - every one of them ending and beginning with him."  Sam gets up from his chair and goes to the kitchen to retrieve something - comes back with a [photo](http://marvelcinematicuniverse.wikia.com/wiki/File:Sam_%26_Riley2.png) that he passes to Bucky then takes his seat once more.

In the photo Sam is looking to the side while Riley marches steadfast beside of him armed with weapons. His blonde hair and pale skin remind Bucky of Steve. He couldn't imagine how he would've felt or coped (or not for that matter - would he even want to live?) if Steve had fallen instead of him. He recalled his last thoughts being of Steve - how he was grateful that it was him instead of Steve. He hadn't shared that with him.

"Last and only photo taken of us - two days before it happened," Sam says with a heavy sigh.

"When you lose someone you love you try everything you can to get rid of the pain - drinking, fighting, crying yourself to sleep...sometimes all of the above," Sam wipes an eye with the back of his hand and takes a deep breath.

Bucky tried to imagine Steve, who could never hold his liquor, tossing back the hard stuff and running back into the fight. It was a painful image. He'd mourned - that Bucky was sure of - the nightmares were proof of that - but he'd never elaborated. Bucky only knew that he'd came out of the ice and threw himself into battle right away but that was Steve - always looking for a war to fight even before the serum.

"What can I do?" Bucky questioned.

"Give him time and be willing to listen if he wants to talk about it. I'm warning you - you might hear things you don't want to hear," Sam took the picture and went to the kitchen once more to tuck it away.

He stayed there for a minute or two and Bucky figured he was gathering himself - he didn't want to intrude. He came back into the room with a much calmer demeanor and a tight smile. 

Bucky stood to leave and Sam pulled him in for an embrace - he didn't hug back as he was still adjusting to people touching him without intent to harm. 

"I can see what Steve sees in you," Sam drew back and patted him on the shoulder before letting his arm drop at his side. 

Bucky wasn't sure what he meant by that - all he saw was a cold blooded killer looking back at him when he looked in the mirror but if Steve could see the good in him then he'd soldier on and be the man that Steve saw him as. 

"Thanks for this. Riley sounds like a good guy," Bucky replied - careful not to use past tense even though he'd been dead for years. 

"Anytime man, anytime." Sam led him to the door and it was coming down in buckets outside. 

"Do me a favor though?" 

Bucky turned in the doorway - he wasn't good at favors. 

"Take this with you. Steve will kill me if I let you out of here without it," he held out a large blue and white umbrella. 

Bucky made a face (Steve was a mother hen) but accepted it anyway. "I'll see you around okay?" 

Sam nodded and closed the door. When he was sure Bucky was gone he pulled the picture out once more and breathed shaky breaths in and out - he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to let Riley go. He'd been much more than a friend or even a best friend - they'd never crossed that line but it was there in the way that they looked at one another and followed one another everywhere. He hadn't intended on getting so emotionally invested in another person - it had simply happened on its own. He missed him so much that he ached. It had been nice to talk about him - just to say his name to someone other than four walls at five a.m. when he couldn't sleep and ended up talking to a dead mans ghost. He knew exactly what Steve was dealing with.

 

"Where'd you go?" Steve was stretched out with a book on the couch in their shared apartment. He sat it down when Bucky came in the door.

"Sam wanted to talk," he lied as he removed his boots and jacket.

"Oh," Steve replied. He was proud of Bucky for taking to Sam easily - the two of them were more important to him than they knew.

Steve leaned up and peered at the umbrella over the top of the couch. "I'm glad that you finally found some common sense," he teased.

"He forced my hand," Bucky remarked as he plopped down on the loveseat across from Steve.

Steve smirked and stretched back out on the couch - taking up the entire thing.

"What did the two of you talk about?"

"The weather and umbrellas and you being a mother hen."

"Nuh-uh it was more than that. You forget that I know what you look like when you're lying," Steve shook his head and sat up.

Bucky groaned and ran a hand over his face. He was thoroughly exhausted in every conceivable way but Steve was stubborn.

"Riley."

Steve crinkled his eyebrows and leaned back against the couch. Sam had only mentioned Riley to him once and he hadn't pried for more information.

"Is Sam okay?" he asked with concern.

"Hes alright - seems to have a lot of baggage when it comes to him. Got the feeling that they were more than friends," Bucky replied.

Steve considered the idea - it wasn't within the realm of impossibility. Not with how hard he'd taken Riley's death. It was a damn shame that they hadn't made it.

"I asked him for help," Bucky confessed and avoided Steve's gaze.

"With what?"

"You."

"Bucky I told you to stop worrying about me," Steve lectured.

"Says the person who fusses at me over leaving without an umbrella," Bucky retorted.

Steve had no comeback to that one - he was terrified of losing Bucky again and he always ended up overcompensating for that fear. 

"What happened to you Steve? After...," Bucky trailed off. 

Steve's entire body tensed up and he curled his feet up under him on the couch. 

"I saved peoples lives - crashed a jet into the ice where I stayed until someone found me." 

"No. That's not what I mean and you know it," Bucky shot him a stern look. 

Steve bit his lip and sighed. It had to come out sooner or later - might as well be sooner. 

"Well I decided to join you," he threw in a lighthearted laugh and hoped that it offset the dark words. 

"Why would you do that?" Bucky was a mixture of confusion and anger. How could he do something so stupid? Sam's words echoed back in his head  _"Ended up in the hospital a couple of times doing reckless shit. I couldn't cope"_ It hit him like a ton of bricks - Steve had wanted to die. 

"I don't know Buck," Steve lied. Same reason he'd done anything - for Bucky. He hadn't been delusional enough to think they'd meet in the afterlife despite his ma teaching him all about it when he was a kid - no. He simply hadn't wanted to live without his best friend, without the person he loved literally more than life itself.

Bucky met his eyes and Steve could see that they were filled with unshed tears - he tucked his lip in and tried to stop them from falling. Steve's heart was breaking.

"Don't ever do something like that again," Bucky ordered.

"I won't. I promise," Steve pulled Bucky to his chest and they held one another - Bucky silently sobbing as Steve joined him - stopping to trail kisses over wet cheeks.

They had one another - together they would not only survive but _live._

 

**Author's Note:**

> title and lyrics from the description are from "losing your memory" by ryan star. I threw in a lot of parallels between steve/bucky and sam/riley because they're mirror images of one another.


End file.
